MY JOURNEY Sandy E. |
My journey started many years ago. I am the only child of a couple who emigrated
from Newfoundland. That wasn't the cause of my alcoholism but it helped. Whether or not my parents were alcoholic isn't for me to say. But they drank a lot. They were very absorbed in each other and I often felt an outsider in my own home. They expected me to be the perfect little princess and I tried very hard to live up to that billing. I went to the best schools, I got good marks, I learned etiquette and deportment. I behaved myself. I stayed out of trouble. I didn't swear and I didn't drink. My friends came from the best families in Toronto. I went on to York University and Teachers' College. Some where in there I did pick up my first drink. I don't remember it because at the time it meant nothing to me. I was a social drinker. I would have a couple at a party or a bar and then forget about the stuff. I married a man in 1970 my parents didn't approve of but he had a good job and we bought our first house. Everything was going smoothly for me. I had never had to work hard to achieve anything but I had never developed any living skills either. Then Sandy's world came crashing down in 1980. My husband went into his first major depression. He was talking suicide and I had no idea how to handle it. My mother was diagnosed with cancer and my father started drinking even heavier. Two years later my mother was dead, my father literally drank himself to death and my husband was running away to our farm with threats of killing himself. I couldn't cope. I had never developed skills to help me face trauma. I thought I was going to go crazy. But I wouldn't let myself do that. I still had that veneer to maintain. I was still the perfect princess. Remember. Then I found alcohol. I don't remember crossing over the line from social drinking. But I soon realized I had. Very quickly I found myself drinking alone and experiencing blackouts. I remember to first time I had a blackout. I had spent a rainy afternoon at the horse stables where I rode frequently. Everyone else was drinking. I joined in. I remember going out to pee behind my car. The next thing I remember I was at home gagging over the toilet. I wanted to die I felt so awful. The Big Book says "to be gravely affected, one does not necessarily have to drink a long time nor take the quantities some of us have. This is particularly true of women. Potential female alcoholics often turn into the real thing and are gone beyond recall in a few years." That is a description of me. But I still maintained my veneer. I continued to teach. I continued to attend social functions. I still had my friends. I had a home and I had a husband. I did not drink very much in public. I learned that lesson quickly. I might have one or two drinks at a party then leave early and go home to my bottle. I did almost all my drinking behind closed doors. Stress kept following me in these years. My best friend committed suicide when she was diagnosed with cancer. And I blamed myself for not stopping her for years. Another very close friend died of a massive stroke. Even my husband was to say in later years he had no idea how much I drank. But alcohol became my focus. I always made sure I had more than enough on hand. We moved to our farm full time about then and I experienced a whole new set of stresses when we went into hog farming. That was enough to drive anyone to drink and so I justified my increased consumption. We weren't making enough money so I went back to teaching. My drinking had progressed to the point I had to have a quick shot in the morning. But I always arrived in my classroom more or less ready for work. No one knew what I was going though. And this was small town Ontario so I had to be extra careful. I certainly couldn't turn up at the local liquor store everyday. I had a routine. I would go to a different store every day of the week by going home different ways. I'd pick up a 40 oz of vodka and a mickey. The mickey would be gone before I got home. The 40 oz would be gone before I passed out, usually in bed. Oh I would try to drink sensibly. I changed my brands. I changed the time I would drink. I made it a habit to eat when I drank. Nothing seemed to help. I continued to drink more and more and by this time my veneer was definitely slipping. I was losing time at work. I would wake up so sick I couldn't function. Migraine headaches and chronic stomach problems became my excuses. By this time I knew I was an alcoholic. I could not pick up a drink and know with any certainty what was going to happen next. Shortly after, in 1985, I checked myself into Homewood in Guelph. I stayed there for 60 days. I learned a lot about myself but I didn't find the solution. In those days Homewood did not stress the 12 step approach. When I left there I didn't take any aftercare. I wasn't introduced to AA. I figured I could do it on my own. I took Antibuse and I stayed off booze for six months. By then I was cured. Right? In another six months I was as bad or worse than before. I contiued to use alcohol to medicate myself. I found I could hide in the bottle for days at a stretch. I would go to the liquor store and back without remembering how I got there. I had bottles around the house I didn't know I had gotten. It had gotten to the point that two drinks might put me in a blackout or ten drinks might leave me sober. I remember coming out of a blackout, sitting on my living room floor with a rifle in my hands and two bullet holes in the wall beside my husband's head. Then came the psych wards where alcohol was never mention. One time, they sent me home with a prescription for valium and a pat on the head. A few days later I overdosed on valium and vodka. I woke up in ICU, strapped down and on a heart monitor. I talked my way out of the hospital that same morning. I convinced them I would just go home and sleep it off. I went home and repeated my overdose. Back in the hospital the same day. I remember my doctor standing at the foot of my bed on that Aug. day in 1991 and saying I should go to Detox. I was scared enough to go. I checked into the Detox in Kitchener the same day. And there I was introduced to AA. I went to one or two meeting everyday. There was always someone there to take us. I listened and I learned to identify. The Promises were posted in the lobby of the Detox and I read them several times a day. I remember thinking if they could come true then there was something to this AA business. I stayed there for ten days. I started to go to meetings when I got home. I met the friendliest people in the world. But it still took me several months of coming and going before I finally got it. That was Dec.1991. I took an active role in my home group very quickly which soon lead to service work. I was settled in and I thought I was doing well. But there were new problems to come. In 1993 my husband, who was drinking very heavily himself, finally carried out his treat. He disappeared. He staged it well. Ten days later the police found his body. He had shot himself. I was a basket case but my home group carried me through it. They were there with love, experience, strength and hope. But my troubles were not over yet. My best friend died of the flesh-eating disease. I stretched my resources too far. I lost everything and I went bankrupt. In 1995 I picked up booze again. This time I hit bottom in one hell of a hurry. But drinking wasn't doing it for me now. I took up drugs too. The result was the two worst years of my life. I ended with no house, no car and no job. I had hit bottom as surely as those I had seen in Detox being brought in from the street. There came a morning when I woke up sick and tired of being sick and tired. I sought out a meeting that same day, Nov. 5, 1997. By the grace of God, I have not needed a drink since that day. What is it like now? Wonderful for the most part. I went through a major depression, but now I try not to let myself get too stressed. I try to take life one day at a time. I am practising live and let live. It doesn't always work, but I'm willing to try. I keep a lot of other slogans in mind, too, like easy does it, keep it simple, and let go and let god. They get me through my daily routines. I am enjoying working with others alcoholic. I sponsor a couple of women. I love to see newcomers grow. I've recently returned to teaching. And life is good. The material things continue to elude me. But I know that will change. My Higher Power is giving me the Promises. Slowly. I know a new freedom and a new happiness. I understand the word serenity and I'm even achieving it in small doses. Self-seeking has slipped away. Fear of people and of economic insecurity is leaving me. I know that God is doing for me what I could not do for myself. I don't know if I have helped anyone here. But this has kept me sober one more day. Thank you and God bless you all. |
