Staking out a notoriously rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers, a cop watched from his squad car as a fellow stumbled out the door, tripped on the kerb and tried 45 cars before opening the door to his own and falling asleep on the front seat. One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off. Finally, the sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled him over and administered a Breathalyzer test. When the results showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked him how that was possible."Easy," was the reply. "Tonight was my turn to be the decoy". |
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discoveredthat if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen." 1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." 1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. 2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it." he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.' Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk. |
Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool
and lay motionless on the floor. "One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the
bartender, "He knows when to stop." |
A boy is watching television and hears the name Jesus Christ. Wondering who Jesus
Christ is, he asks his mother. She tells him that she is busy, and to ask his
father. His father is also busy so he asks his brother. His brother kicks him out
of the room because he doesn't have time to answer his stupid questions, so
he goes downtown and sees a bum in an alley. He asks the bum, "Who's Jesus Christ?" The bum replies, "Well, I am." The boy, not believing the bum, asks for proof. So the bum takes the boy into the bar down the street and takes him inside. They walk up to the bar and the bartender exclaims, "Jesus Christ, are you in here again?" |
A bloke goes into a pub, takes a seat at the bar, and orders five pints. The barman gives him an odd look since the bloke's all by himself, but he serves up the five pints and lines them up on the bar. The bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four, Five. He finishes the last one and calls to the barman, "Four pints, please, mate!" The barman serves up four pints and lines them on the bar. The bloke downs them....One, Two, Three, Four. Then he belches loudly, sways slightly on the stool, and orders three more pints. And one after the other, he knocks them back.... One, Two, Three. "Two pintsh, mate!" he calls, and the barman places two pints in front of him. Down they go.... One, Two. As the bloke slams the last one down on the bar, he says, "One pint, mate." So the barman fills the glass. The bloke sits there, staring at it for for a moment, trying to focus. Then he looks at the barman and says, "Y'know, it'sh a funny t'ing, but the less I drink, the drunker I get..." |
There's this juggler who's driving on the way to a job when he gets pulled over
by a cop for speeding. The cop sees three bowling bins on the seat next to him
and asks him what they're for. The juggler proceeds to take the bowling pins out
of the car and begins juggling as he's standing on the side of the road. About
this time, a recovering alcoholic drives by with his wife. Upon seeing the juggler
standing in front of the cop juggling, the recovering alcoholic says, "Man,
I'm sure glad I stopped drinking - Look what they're making you do for a sobriety
test now!" |