How many AlAnon members does it take to screw a lightbulb? None.... they just detach and let it screw itself. |
What's the difference between an Al-Anon and a pit bull? Meetings, Meetings, Meetings!! |
Sponsor to sponsee... "Your job is to tell the truth. My job is to laugh at you when you don't." |
A guy goes to a friend's funeral and during the service asks the man's aunt, "What a shame, how did he die?" "Cirrhosis," she laments. "That's terrible, did he ever quit drinking?" Oh, no," she replied. "It never got that bad." |
A guy passes a bar and sees a sign in the window, "All you can drink $10". He stops and asks the bartender, "You mean I can have as much alcohol as I want for only $10?" The bartender replies, "Yes, Sir!" "Great," says the man, "then give me $20 worth." |
An alcoholic falls down a deep chasm and as he falls, grabs hold of a teeny twig
which breaks his fall. "If there's anybody up there listening," he shouts, "please
help me!" With that, the clouds part and a ray of light hits him as a deep
voice booms out, "Let go, my son, and I will bear you up". The man thinks for a
moment and says, "Anybody else up there?" |
Two guys were having a drink in a bar in Alaska. Eventually the conversation got around to God. One man had an unshakable faith in God. The other did not. "I gave your God a chance," said the skeptic, "but he failed me when I needed him most. "Countered the believer, "What do you mean, 'You gave God a chance'?" "Two years ago I was lost about sixty miles north of here," recalled the man. "I was caught in a blinding snowstorm. I couldn't see a thing. I walked in circles as the temperature began falling. Finally, I dropped to my knees and from a place deep inside me shouted, 'I'm gonna die. . ."' The other man smiled, "But you must believe in God. You're here. . . you're alive." "Oh no," he exclaimed, "some Eskimo came along and took me back to town in his sled." (Ed Butler) |
My drug of choice was more. |
Sobriety is like sex, if it doesn't feel good, you're not doing it right. |
Sobriety didn't open the gates of Heaven for me to let me in, but it sure opened the gates of Hell to let me out. |
Religion is for people who're afraid they're going to hell and Spirituality is for people who've already been there. |
Since I've joined AA, I've gained quite a bit of weight. A friend told me it was
because I didn't get as much exercise as I used to. "But I never exercised while I was still drinking," I protested. "Sure you did," he countered. "Here's the exercise program you were on:" - Hitting the bottle - Beating yourself up - Bending the rules - Stretching the truth - Jogging your memory - Running into trouble - Jumping to conclusions - Stepping on toes - Climbing the walls - Dodging responsibility - Pushing your luck - Pulling the wool over peoples eyes - Walking all over people - Carrying a grudge - Throwing fits - Picking up the pieces. Wow! Small wonder I've put on a few pounds! |
Your mind is like a bad neighborhood, you should never go there alone. |
An alcoholic was walking along the beach when he saw a bottle. He stopped and rubbed
it and a genie popped out. "You have 3 wishes" said the genie. The alcholic
said, "I'll take a bottle that is never empty." Whamo he has a bottle that is
never empty and starts to drink. The genie taps him on the shoulder and says, "and
what are your other two wishes?" "Oh," says the alcoholic, "I'll have two more
like this one." |